Now that both MLK Day 2022 and 2022 Las Vegas Raider playoff hopes have ended, it's time I confessed. By public metrics currently in use in the United States, I am unabashedly racist. Not slightly, meanderingly racist, mind you, but a full-blown evil doer with racist inclinations dripping from my pores. While this may come as a bit of a surprise to my family, friends, and business associates, I assure you all. "Racist Bob Dietz" should be my new moniker. When I'm finished with my confession, Roger Goodell and sportswriters everywhere will concur.
Agreeing with Gruden
That's right, folks. Sometimes I agree with Jon Gruden. If you'll remember, Raider head coach Gruden was forced to resign due to the leaking of various and sundry indelicate emails. Gruden had the racist audacity to say that NFLPA Executive Director DeMaurice Smith had "lips the size of Michelin tires." Smith is black.
I understand that an offhand, wink/wink, unnecessary reference to Smith's lips reeks of a juvenile, racist subtext. Gruden had any number of racist options to employ in that email, however, and he chose a fairly soft one. Did the man deserve to lose his career over some third-grade crack about another man's lips? If that were the racist bar, I suspect that virtually every NFL exec would be unemployed after an examination of personal emails.
I was brought up attending Lutheran Sunday schools and reading Spider-Man, so I'm programmed to not make fun of people's physical characteristics. That kind of fun is a mean habit. Smith's lips are not really as big as Michelin tires, thus I'm forced to disagree with Gruden's analogy. Had Gruden said that Smith's lips "put Jumbo Tootsie Rolls to shame," then I'm on board with it. That would have been accurate, as Smith's lips are quite prominent.
Now, had Gruden said that Smith's lips were "the color of Michelin tires," then I'd also have to agree with Gruden. I'm no tire expert, but my cursory examination of the Michelin sales site yielded 48 tires, and they were all black. Talk about discrimination. You'd think Michelin would make at least one pasty tire for we Germanics. Or maybe a nice off white for Slovenes. Gruden, you see, is allegedly of Slovene descent. He probably can't pronounce his ancestors' capital, Ljubljana, and no Michelin tires match his skin color. No wonder he walks around scowling like Chucky.
Lamar Jackson
I'm just getting warmed up.
I love Lamar Jackson, but I need to come clean about my racism. Lamar Jackson isn't Aaron Rodgers, Patrick Mahomes, or Tom Brady, but who is? What Jackson brings to the table are some non-optimal mechanics that don't much matter because he knows what he's looking at, he's quite accurate, and he understands how to lead an NFL team. You would think that his style of play wouldn't lend itself to NFL comebacks, but he's fine. He's very comfortable and effective winging it in situations where he's down two or three scores. Playing from behind, he's saved my wagering bacon a couple of times in 2022.
But now comes my racist reveal. If you're going to excoriate Jon Gruden and ban him from the NFL because of his comments regarding lips, then I guess I'll never run for political office. Lamar Jackson, to my eye, has a nose that occupies an immense amount of face. That Jackson nose takes up more square face-age than any nose deserves to occupy. His schnozz looks like you put actor Samuel L. Jackson in the ring with Mike Tyson, and told Tyson he could only hit the actor in the nose. The sole public figure with a bigger schnozz than Lamar Jackson was Jimmy Durante.
The Disney NFL
So the NFL gets Gruden canned while hanging onto thousands of emails that undoubtedly contained more pointed racism and sexism than anything leaked from Gruden. Such woke hypocrisy. Wokepocracy, I guess I'll call it. The NFL posing as a progressive entity, winnowing out the Neanderthals like Gruden. Wokepocracy at its finest.
After the email leaks, I saw Gruden routinely referred to as "racist," with basically just a couple of emails as evidence. I saw media attaching "racist" to his name adjectivally as in "Racist Jon Gruden" headlines. Suddenly the NFL was a bastion of progressivism, and Jon Gruden was a racist devil. Sure.
Well, if Gruden can be "Racist Jon Gruden" after commenting on a man's lips, I guess I'll join the racist club by acknowledging the reality of Lamar Jackson's nose. I'm sure Roger Goodell and sports writers everywhere agree.
"Racist Bob Dietz" has a nice ring. I'm hoping to collect un-merit badges. Next on my list is "sexist." Stay tuned.
Bob Dietz
January 19, 2022
