Welcome, once again, to the shadows of The Asylum. Ignore those moans, those howls, those screams of torment. That's just the poor sane bastards visiting their American relatives. We have a very special tour for you this week. From Tobacco Road to the elegant address of One University Drive, we will curl your toes and free your mind. Rationality, after all, has no place in The Asylum (cue organ music).
Some colleges started in-person fall semester last week. Shortly thereafter, hundreds of students tested positive for Covid-19. North Carolina immediately shut down and shipped its students home. I recall Penthouse magazine titling my letter to them "Unmatriculated." That about covers it. The UNC students and their families (and the subjects of that letter, by the way) are all screwed. With hundreds testing positive, it's likely thousands may be infected, and they get to go home and spread it to parents and grandparents. David Perry, a historian at the University of Minnesota, reported to CNN that he was appalled when UNC Provost Robert Blouin said, "I don't apologize for trying." Perhaps Blouin could instead apologize for being a complete dumb-ass who has put lives on the line.
North Carolina, East Carolina, Oklahoma State, and Notre Dame all felt the pandemic bug last week. Just wait until the majority of universities open for business next week, like ETSU in my backyard. We should be in for some comical administrative excuses and verbal contortions that will make both Yogi Berra and The Asylum proud.
From the east boundary of The Asylum to the west boundary, we seem to have university personnel in need of electric shock. John Eastman, Professor of Law at Chapman University in California, opined in Newsweek that Kamala Harris isn't qualified for the vice presidency. Something about running while black, which is the same as driving while black but without the vehicle searches.
Meanwhile, President Trump's new plan for a second term, leaked by White House Team Trumpers, is to create such an electoral mess that the election gets tossed into the House, with each state getting one vote in the process. I will pay good money to see the bastion of democracy that is The Asylum assign the same clout to Wyoming as to California. Only the President of The Asylum could come up with this, except maybe for that balding guy in Russia. See, this is why I was reincarnated as a white man. If you can't kill 'em, cheat 'em. Then kill 'em. Yeah, let's have half a million pretty-much-all-white folks count the same as 40 million not-so-white folks. Should be a helluva ride.
In The Asylum wing devoted to stable-or-otherwise geniuses, the president's friend from My Pillow made the rounds touting a Covid-19 cure. Gotta love American expertise. Design a pillow, cure a pandemic. Like Leonardo da Vinci, only with a better quality of sleep.
And finally, this uplifting note from the recreational wing of The Asylum. John Focke, broadcaster for the Charlotte Hornets, was suspended indefinitely after referring to the Denver Nuggets as the Denver N*gg*** in a tweet. He claimed it was a spelling error. Somewhere, maybe in the militia-filled wilds of Michigan or Pulaski (TN), there's a judge's chair reserved for next year's spelling bee with Focke's name on it, hopefully spelled correctly.
Join us again (cue organ music) next week as we descend into the sub-basements of The Asylum. It's Republican National Convention time. Can you spell H-Y-D-R-O-X-Y-C-H-L-O-R-O-Q-U-I-N-E?
Bob Dietz
August 19, 2020
