(Organ music)
Watch your step, my friend, as we slowly descend these stone stairs leading to the sub-basements of The Asylum. It was Republican National Convention week, and here in the sub-basements, the party never stopped.
Be very careful to not slip on these steps; the slime tends to build up the deeper you go. Slime can be slippery, but if you know where it is and what it looks like, there's nothing to fear. No one riots in the sub-basements. No one loots. So there is no need for fear.
That stench? Oh, just hold your nose. The smell is coming from the big pit. Don't get close to the edge and don't look down. Slide your way around the perimeter. That's it; back to the wall, scoot sideways, like a crab. Don't fall. Most of us have been partying down here so long that we don't even notice the smell.
This week in The Asylum has been particularly fun. Abby Johnson, a second day speaker at the RNC, said she stands by her advocacy for one vote per household. And if people disagree, the man gets his say, as God intended.
I know what you're thinking -- those evangelicals are anti-woman. Nothing could be further from the truth. While Abby Johnson approves of everyone in a household sharing one vote, God approves of everyone in the Jerry Falwell Jr. household, plus a pool boy, sharing one bed. Nothing anti-woman about Becki Falwell opting for pool boy versus her old man. According to the pool boy, Jerry Junior at least got to watch. And you just know there'll be DVDs for sale soon with a holy purpose. Gotta love a triune-a'-trois God.
Speaking of which, thank the Almighty that we're down here in the sub-basement. Up above, in The Asylum proper, you have looting and rioting and all kinds of socialist decadence. Down here, just optimism and glee.
For example, last week we sent out word that convalescent plasma was a game changer. But it didn't take long before those scientists and epidemiologists threw a wet blanket over the proclamation. We had a cure, and then we didn't. Bummer. Next, we gave the order that all of that Covid-19 testing of asymptomatics could be halted. Sure enough, three days later, those darn scientists upstairs shot down our optimism once again. Don't they understand? Saying makes it so! That's how we ended up in The Asylum, and thank our triune-a'-trois God that we did.
Meanwhile, preseason number one Alabama has racked up, uh, wait a minute. Oh, that's not 1,200 points in the coaches' poll? It's 1,200 students with Covid-19? Huh. Well, number one is still number one. Hard to be the pinnacle of anything, so kudos to Alabama for the double achievement. Still doesn't top the Falwells, though.
The great thing about these sub-basements -- you're sealed off from the nutcases in the rest of The Asylum. Down here, nobody interrupts whatever you rant, unless it's with applause. Nobody fact checks everything you say. Nobody steps on whatever you prefer to believe. No meds (unless it's HCQ). No Keds (outspoken athletes get stopped at the sub-basement door). And no peds (Q-Anon makes sure of that). Down here, it's all the best version of everything. The Trumps are like the von Trapps, if the von Trapps were Nazis, of course, and couldn't sing. And didn't ever want to leave the stage during their performance.
What's that? You're still having trouble with the smell? It's not that bad, my friend. You can't dump 185,000 corpses in a pit without a little bit of stench. Don't worry, though. By Christmas, we'll have dug another pit. Just for the evangelicals. They requested it.
Join us next week (cue organ music) as we somehow get out of the sub-basement and back onto the grounds of The Asylum, where there's looting and rioting. Did I mention the pillaging?
Bob Dietz
August 30, 2020
